Name: Diane Fadden
Location: Everett, Washington
Previous Religious Affiliation: Born again Christian 30+ years
I’m 50 this year and still trying to find myself, after living most of my life for other people or . . . being what I thought I had to be in order to be loved. I became a Christian for that reason, in my early 20’s, at the Billy Graham Crusade here in Seattle. It was all about winning points and my mother’s love. But always I had questions I had to ignore to just believe. It’s like I had corners of my brain I had to shut off. I am also an amateur paleontologist. Or rather I was. Because the bible contradicted science, I had to use my own faculties to merge what the bible said with what I knew, what I had learned from not only reading a lot but holding fossils I personally recovered, in my hands.
I guess the bottom line is, I don’t believe a god would make human beings flawed, which he obviously did, and then say here’s the repair kit, guys, and if you don’t accept it, I’m going to torture you forever. How can that make sense? I guess also when I started questioning what bits of the bible were true versus what couldn’t be, that’s when the questions got louder in my head and there just weren’t any answers coming. How can an omniscient being make mistakes or have regrets, and yet the biblical god did this all the time. He made his own enemy, he made Lucifer, knowing ahead of time he was doing so. He made humans naive and clueless, put a forbidden tree of knowledge in close proximity to those humans knowing ahead of time those clueless naive humans would succumb to his enemy’s trick–and then he punished humans when they did exactly what he knew they would do, and made them anyway because it was part of his plan.
I guess that’s the part I couldn’t wrap my mind around and finally it unraveled me, or rather my “faith.” The idea that god knew ahead of time the consequences of making humans ignorant, ie. vulnerable to “Satan,” and then putting them in close proximity to Satan like … or as if, he wanted it all to happen just as it did … and then when it did getting angry and punishing those humans for it, and all humanity afterward for it.
This is not the actions of a loving anything, and certainly not an all knowing, all powerful, omniscient deity. In fact it seems to me more the actions of a sadistic scientist who enjoys torturing little animals.
Anyway, I realized after all this pondering … none of it makes sense. And it was really hard to walk away. After 30 years of being a Christian, coming to the realization it is all made up and there is no god after all, was scary. All of a sudden I realized I am alone. But since I did come to realize this–I have only hungered for more knowledge, more understanding, more reality. And what’s funny is, the more reality I embrace, the happier I am with being all alone, and not being watched or constantly judged for everything I say, do or think.Tagged with: Atheist • Born-Again Christian • paleontologist • Seattle • Washington