10.5 Tips When Coming Out to Family or Friends as an Atheist
“Telling someone you are an atheist shouldn’t change their opinion about you, but it might change their opinion about atheism.”
2. Don’t be too confrontational:
Remember where they are coming from and help them to understand where you are coming from. Trying to “win” the debate or convert them isn’t going to happen at all in this conversation. This isn’t the time for that talk. So, arguing with them over facts is just dodging the bigger issue of them accepting you as a person. Explain why you believe this way and leave it at that. Plant the seed of reason and it will grow with them over time.
3. Actively Listen:
This doesn’t mean just sit there and nod your head. You should be making eye contact, repeat the question just to be sure you have heard it correctly and do a synopsis of what the other person has said in order to ensure understanding has occurred.
4. Don’t use personal anecdotes:
Make sure to stick to discussing YOUR atheism. Do not bring up negative past experiences in the family or that someone was a bad parent, sibling, partner, etc. Nor should they use your sexual trauma, drug addiction, or a form of abuse as your excuse for being an atheist; You are not “just mad at God”. That type of ridiculing back and forth will get both parties no where. Remember to be rational and show them how you have REASONED your way to atheism so they can REASON as well.
5. No true Scotsman: EXPLANATION -
This is common for religious friends and family to rationalize your “disbelief, backslidden nature” by saying that you were never a “real” believer at all. They will say that you didn’t really understand what “god” wanted in your life and no matter how devout you were or how involved in your church you appeared… you must have been faking it. Don’t let them get away with this. There are millions of former believers and pastors/ministers/priests/rabbis/imams that are now atheists. You cannot say that none of them were devout or that they “didn’t get it.” Your family has to accept that just because you believed in a god once for really bad reasons, you have changed your mind and don’t believe in god… for lots of really good reasons.
6. Be prepared to walk away:
Come back to the conversation when cooler heads prevail. If things are beginning to get heated please use “I” statements and easy to understand messages like… “when you say X, it makes me feel Y, which leads me to think Z…” If that isn’t enough, agree to disagree and walk away from the situation for no longer than 2 weeks. Don’t be argumentative. People meet aggression with more aggression. Stay calm and focused. While you can try to educate your friends and family, do not allow yourself to be dragged into a fight.
7. Give it time:
As much as it may hurt, some people in your life may need a little time to process this information. Give it to them. Sometimes its days, and sometimes its months or years, but often people need to let this information sink in a little before they can accept it. Remember not everything has to be hashed out in one meeting. You can ask the other party to let the idea of being an atheist soak in for a while and they can come back to you with questions or through email. Some people find email to be the easiest way to communicate about this because it can get too heated in person.
IF that doesn’t work… be ready to put a stake through their heart! (we do not endorse actual staking of real people… vampires are ok)
8. Agree on parameters of the conversation:
Are we sticking to Christianity? Are all religions up for discussion and review? Morality? Which means you will need to understand more on the basis of morality, which is empathy and a concern for the well-being of your fellow humans, rather than authority and fear of punishment. Sam Harris explains it well in this video.
9. Let’s face it… talking over food is easier:
Most times, it’s easier to do this over a meal. Especially if you are coming out to your parents. It allows you to have something to focus on other things than their reactions to you. Need a pause, take a drink. Do they need time to process? Take a bite, get seconds, or clear the table. Having any activity to do while discussing it can make it easier to get out the information and make you, and them, less nervous about the “big news” you are about to discuss. Remember it’s ok to be an atheist, they just don’t know it yet.
10. Be a proud atheist… Don’t act ashamed:
Make sure your body language reads as open. This means try to not cross your arms or legs, maintain eye contact (you have nothing to be ashamed of), keep your chin or head up, shoulders back or posture maintained, and speak with a clear and level tone. This may sound silly, but you’re delivering a very important message and you want to make sure everyone understands it. Make sure you speak in clear concise language. Don’t speak in metaphors or riddles. You want everyone to hear your message loud and clear.
10.5 (because 11 sounded dumb) “I don’t know” is ok:
If you don’t have an answer it’s ok. “I don’t know” is an answer. You don’t have to be an expert at everything and you can tell someone to check out good resources like SkepticsAnnotatedBible.com, AtheismResource.com, The Thinking Atheist , Evid3nc3 (YouTube), etc. There are a lot of resources online now and many atheists who are willing to help at any moment in time. If you are ever stuck and can’t find the answer please feel free to go to the WeAreAtheism Facebook page and just post it on the wall. I know our memebers will respond to you asap and you will have resources and good arguments for your repsonses.
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Having been atheist since I was 13 in the 18502, I have endured every type of verbal, emotional, social, and even physical abuse of which theists, especially christians, are capable.
Accommodation with most theists is not possible, nor is rational discussion. The best tactic is to state your reasons for not believing and walk away. Be prepared for threats, insults, and ostracism.
Today is the first day I am “out”. “Out” to myself and my world. I am a 68 yr. old, intelligent, moral, and compassionate mother, grandmother and employed registered nurse. I’ve questioned religion since age 7 when I first heard the nuns read a bible story about Jesus walking on water. I went through the motions until age 40 but it has taken 28 years to accept and verbalize that I am an atheist. This may seem corny but it’s how I feel “Free at last!”
We love you Pat! Welcome to the world of reason!!
Today is the first day I intend to tell my family I’m an atheist. This really helps. I’m preparing for the worst, want the best. Thank you all, it has been an honor reading your thoughts.
I’ve been out for a year and my family excepts me for who Ii am. I am a proud Atheist.
I so happy your parents accept you for who you are. Please video tape or write your story about how you came out to them and their reaction so we can post it on our site and others can learn from you and your family how to accept your child for who they are regardless of their religious beliefs or lack thereof.
Why do people feel the need to tell others that they are atheist?
I never believed in a god or religion, doesnt mean im gonna label my self as an atheist just because i believe in science and facts.
hankypanky,
I think some people find it necessary to put it out there when it comes to their family because they don’t like that others just naturally assume they are believers. I personally found it necessary to tell my family because I used to be a believer and wanted to make it clear that I no longer am and I do not appreciate being treated as if I am. It’s not like we’re running around shouting “I AM AN ATHEIST!” to everyone we meet, nor do we find it necessary to label ourselves… we just feel that it’s fair to be honest and up front with our loved ones.
From were I sit in Texas Atheists are the last group it is safe to hate with the church living in its own world telling believers that their being repressed and attacked when they willingly and whole heartedly attack atheists is sickining and depresses me
I am a mother and grandmother. I was raised strictly Mormon and married the love of my life in a Mormon temple (which horrified me!) The man I married is still the love of my life and respects me for who I am now, regardless of the past. Thank goodness my children and grandchildren have been freed from the “tunnel vision” of religion and are happy and well adjusted people
But about 99 percent of all our family/relatives and neighbor interactions are with devout mormons. I can sincerely say that I do in fact like most mormon’s, but not mormonism at all! What a big huge power play! I questioned it when I was young (in my heart) but felt I had no choice but to go along with it. The older I grew, the less I liked it, until at last I can finally admit that I want nothing to do with it at all, bu I co live in the middle of it, so to speak. Obviously, it still bothers me or I wouldn’t spend time miserating about it! Thanks for your site and letting people speak their minds. Susan (I like to use my own brain and make my own decisions and have had to literally grown a new brain!)
I’m 17 and I just came out to myself as an atheist a few months ago. I really want to tell my family because I don’t want to lie to them, but I feel like they’ll reject me. My parents are very accepting people, my mother’s even had those “I love you no matter what” conversations with me; once I even asked her “even if I was an atheist?” and she said “Even then.” Still, I’m afraid they’ll turn away from me. I’m not sure what to do but I know I can’t fake my way through a stupid church service anymore.
Give your parents the benefit of the doubt. If they say they will love you no matter what then they are most likely telling the truth. Majority of parents want whats best for their child and just want them to be happy, productive members of society. They aren’t criminals, murderers, liars, con artists etc. We want our children to be the best that they can and if that means being something that we don’t necessarily agree with then that’s that.
I have a 5 year old daughter and that is what I tell her all the time. That no matter what she says, does, or happens in her life I will be there for her, right beside her, every step of the way. I’m sure that’s what your parents are trying to convey to you.
Also, there is a great book by Brian McAfee called “Mom, Dad, I’m an atheist!” Its a book describing how to come out to your fundie family and uses some anecdotal stories from other atheists who have come out. Please let me know if you need any more help or more personalized help. weareatheism@gmail.com
You are literally going through what I’m going through, right now.
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I’m an atheist. I haven’t told my parents, and I really don’t intend to. It’s not because I’m afraid of being ostricized or shunned. I know what it’s like to be Christian, I remember the vivid descriptions of hell in church, and how heavy of a topic it is for them. I know that if I tell my parents I’m atheist, they will have to live with that fear, guilt, sadness, and frustration for
the rest of their lives. To them, their precious little boy will be burning in hell for all eternity. I simply don’t want to put my parents through that, even if it means hiding my beliefs from everyone.
Not everybody needs to know everything about you. Sometimes you have to be out only with close friends whom you really trust. In my experience, people who are afraid for you (afraid you will be unhappy, afraid you will not experience heaven) are themselves trapped by their fear.
When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox
and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with
the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service?
Appreciate it!
I will look into it… but other than deleting your comment I’m unsure of another way to end the notifications.
Great article! Totally agreed on point #9. Told my dad I was an atheist over burger and a beer.
Good article! I wish I can come out of the box but I’m afraid because atheist is forbidden in my country. Even my country admit major religion but there’s always conflict between religions. So, now I’m still keep as person who have a religion that pass from my parent as my identity. And I’m so tired because I can’t be myself.
I was 13 when I became atheist. Haha its was actually at a christian summer camp. I still go to the same youth group (which is a teen church pretty much) (that had the summer camp) for about a year or more. None of them know that i’m atheist. Only my family knows and its awesome because they agree with me, so we can converse a lot. But what stinks is that my best friend is a total christian, so when my youth group is over I plan to tell her. im dont mind teling her, what I mind is that she ALWAYS has to right so she’ll probably argue with me. I just got to choose my words carefully and I should be good. Thanks for the tips!